A Better World
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: After the events in the Justice League episode of the same name, the Joker finds himself transported to an alternate universe where the Justice Lords rule with a tight fist and lobotomize all who oppose their will.
1. Chapter 1

**A Better World**

The Joker was in the mood for a vacation.

Not that he didn't love his job – there were few people alive who enjoyed their chosen careers as much as the Clown Prince of Crime. But since the Clown Prince of Crime's career often involved ending the lives of others, he actually didn't have much competition in the job enjoyment contest. He didn't even think of it as work so much as having playtime with his favorite Flying Rodent. Not playtime in the way he and his girlfriend used that word, but an amusing night of games, traps, and unnecessary violence. Actually, that was fairly similar to how he and his girlfriend used that word, except he and Bats were wearing clothes. Well, _he _was wearing clothes – the Bat cheated wearing all that armor. It was only because he knew he wouldn't win without it, Joker assured himself. Gotham didn't see _him _afraid to take a beating. On the contrary, the Joker rather enjoyed it.

But even the most enjoyable activity could get tedious without a break, and a guy could only take being beaten to a bloody pulp so much before it began to take a toll on his body and spirit. And so, during the Joker's latest stint at Arkham Asylum, while he was waiting for his bones to fully knit back together, he was debating where he should take his vacation. There were plenty of options – exotic faraway destinations and relaxing resorts closer to home, but none of them seemed to spark his interest. Beaches all looked the same, as did forests and mountains and deserts and jungles. He had seen it all. He felt uninspired. But inspiration was about to come his way.

It all began with a completely uninspiring board game tournament at Arkham Asylum. The Joker was in favor of playing Candyland, but his two votes (including Harley's, who supported him regardless) was tied with two for Trivial Pursuit from Jonathan Crane and Jervis Tetch. That, however, had been flatly vetoed by the rest of the asylum, since the last Trivial Pursuit game between the two had lasted a matter of weeks, as they had both been able to answer every question asked them, after they eliminated the Sports and Leisure category, of course.

"Why don't we just play checkers or something?" asked Two-Face. "That's a nice game with two players and two colors…"

"Because it's for old people, grandpa," snapped Joker.

"Unlike Candyland, which is for two-year-olds," retorted Two-Face.

"Hey, there's no way a two-year-old could possibly understand the complex story of a journey through a sugar-filled wonderland and the strange people who inhabit it," retorted Joker.

"We're in Arkham – why would we even wanna play a game about a buncha other freaks?" demanded Poison Ivy.

"Oh please, Weed Lady, you're nothing like Queen Frostine," snapped Joker.

"What's wrong with Trivial Pursuit?" asked Crane.

"It takes days for you two nerds to agree on a tie because you can't stop showing off how much useless crap you know!" retorted Joker. "I wanna play Candyland!"

"It's so boring, J!" groaned Ivy.

"Boring?!" he repeated, incredulously. "I guess you could think that, until you understand the three-dimensionality of the characters! Gloppy the Molasses Monster has an incredibly tragic backstory, and Lord Licorice's plot to take over Candyland and enslave the population is anything but dull."

"I think you've just forgotten what exciting is, J, locked up in here," said Ivy, rolling her eyes.

"Puddin' gets plenty of excitement in Arkham," retorted Harley, indignantly. "In fact, if the other mean old inmates won't play Candyland with him, we can play a little fun game with just the two of us," she purred, ruffling his hair.

"I don't want sex, you dumb blonde, I wanna play Candyland!" he snapped, throwing down the board game and kicking it across the room. "But I never get what I want in this dump of an asylum! You losers play whatever crap you want without me! To hell with all of you!"

"Aw, puddin', don't be like that!" cried Harley, hurrying after him. "We could have Candyland themed playtime! I got a great idea for Queen Frostine…"

"Jesus, you're so demanding, Harley!" he shouted, shoving her away from him. "I need to get away from people who stress me out! I need a vacation! Only problem is there's no vacation from _you_!"

"Hey, just because the others won't play Candyland, that's no reason to be mean to me!" snapped Harley.

"You're part of problem!" he retorted. "You deserve to be blamed like the rest of them! I'm trying to have a relaxing time recuperating in my little ha-hacienda, and all I get is uncooperative inmates and demanding broads! I need to be somewhere where nobody can find me!"

"Good! Head off to there so I don't have to deal with you no more, you miserable jerk!" shrieked Harley. "Stay there permanently for all I care!"

"Could we please keep our voices down?" asked Jervis Tetch, popping his head out of his cell and glaring at them. "Some of us are trying to work!"

"I thought you were lobbying to play Trivial Pursuit," said Joker.

"It's no fun with just two people, and Jonathan and I are the only ones who want to play," replied Tetch. "So I thought I'd do some work instead."

"Yeah? What kinda work?" asked Joker, entering Tetch's cell and looking around. Tetch quickly threw a sheet over the project he had been working on.

"Nothing," he said, hastily. "Nothing at all."

"Great, if it's nothing, you don't need to cover it up," said Joker, shoving him out of the way and removing the sheet to reveal a top hat decorated with buttons and blinking lights.

"Aw no, not another one of those alternate reality simulator things!" sighed Joker. "I thought you would have learned your lesson about those since I beat the crap outta you every time you build one."

"It's…it's not an alternate reality simulator," stammered Tetch, clearly lying. "You're…you're talking nonsense."

"Oh yeah? Then how come it's got 'alternate reality simulator' written on his hat card here?" asked Joker, pointing to the card in the hatband.

"Because I…it…all right, it _is _an alternate reality simulator, but it's for my personal use only," stammered Tetch. "I built four of them, all of which you destroyed, but I never got to use it for the purpose for which I initially intended it – to see what my reality would be like with Alice."

"Well, that's tough, Tetchy," sighed Joker. "And you know I'd hate to deprive you of the only chance you'll ever get at happiness, but I'm a man of my word, and I told you this kinda crap ain't natural. If you keep building 'em, I'm gonna keep destroying them, personal use or no personal use," he said, raising his fist to smash the hat. Then he paused suddenly.

"Wait a minute…this is just the kinda getaway I need!" he cried, beaming. "I'll go on vacation to an alternate reality!"

"Oh no, you don't!" snapped Tetch, snatching it away from him. "You're not going anywhere with my technology! You always end up breaking it, and I will not see another one of my beautiful hats smashed to pieces!"

"And with what army are you planning on stopping me exactly?" asked Joker, smiling.

"I don't have an army," retorted Tetch, clasping the hat in his arms. "But you can't work the simulator without my help, and I am not volunteering that under any circumstances! Not for all the tea in Wonderland!"

Joker sighed again, shrugging. "I guess you win, Tetchy. It's a pity you won't help a buddy out, though. Oh well. Hey, speaking of tea, what have we got here?" he asked, reaching out to grab the jars of loose tea Tetch kept handy in his cell. "Hmm…what would happen if I poured this jar into this one?" he said, holding one over the other.

"No, no, no, you can't do that!" cried Tetch, looking panicked. "You…you can't possibly mix Assam and Darjeeling – that would be madness!"

He held back a cry of horror as Joker poured them together into the same jar, shaking it up. Tetch bit his lip. "I don't care," he muttered. "I'm still not helping you."

Joker shrugged again, heading for the door. "Oooh, what's this?" he asked, grabbing a book by Tetch's bed, which was, unsurprisingly, _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_. "Looks vintage! Bet that cost a bundle. Ah, here we are," he said, flipping to an illustration. "The Mad Hatter's Tea Party. Now what would happen if I just tugged a little here…" he said, beginning to rip the page out.

"No!" screamed Tetch, racing forward the grab the book out of his hands. "No, no, no, not the first edition! Please, I'll do anything, only don't tear it!"

Joker grinned. "See, Harley?" he said, smiling at her. "Making people help you out isn't hard. You just need to threaten the things they hold most dear. Easy as pie," he said, tossing the book casually at Tetch, who clutched it protectively against him.

"What…reality do you want to visit?" hissed Tetch.

"I dunno," said Joker. "Somewhere interesting."

"Which is?" asked Tetch.

"I dunno," repeated Joker. "You're a smart guy. Think of something. I'll be in my cell when you do," he said, striding out of the room with Harley following him.

Tetch sighed, replacing his book on the table and heading back to the Rec Room, where the other inmates had abandoned the idea of board games in favor of television.

"Anything interesting on?" he sighed, sitting down on the sofa.

"Just the news trying to cover up the damage done by the Justice Lords," said Ivy, nodding at the screen.

"Justice Lords?" repeated Tetch, puzzled.

"Oh right, not everyone knows," said Ivy. "Forget I said anything," she said, returning her attention to her book.

"Who are the Justice Lords?" asked Crane.

"No one," she retorted. "I told you, forget about it."

"How do you know about it, if it's so secret?" demanded Two-Face.

She looked up. "Lex told me," she said, casually. "We've been seeing each other, y'know."

Two-Face said nothing, but his glare deepened and he began flipping his coin to control his rage. "You're dating Lex Luthor?" he muttered.

"Yeah, not seriously or anything," she said, shrugging. "But you know he's running for president now, and I've never gone out with a presidential candidate before."

"So he's already sharing state secrets with you, huh?" growled Two-Face.

"It's not a state secret," snapped Ivy. "Anyone with half a brain could figure it out!"

"Well, I assure you, I have more than half a brain, Pamela, and I have no idea what you're talking about," said Crane.

Ivy sighed. "Ok, you guys have to promise not to blab about this to anyone," she said, lowering her voice. "But you remember there was that big fight on TV which ended in Superman lobotomizing Doomsday with his heat vision?"

"Yes. I remember thinking at the time it was a little out of character for him," said Tetch, nodding.

"That's because it wasn't him," said Ivy. "The Justice League were temporarily replaced by their counterparts from an alternate universe, called the Justice Lords. They're tyrants in their own universe, sacrificing everything to preserve peace and order, including basic freedoms. And as you might have gathered from alternate Superman's actions, they're not afraid to take extreme measures against violent threats to their control. Anyway, the Justice Lords came to our universe to try to impose the same order and control on it, but they were stopped by the Justice League, with Lex's help."

"Luthor helped out the Justice League?" snorted Two-Face. "How can you possibly respect a guy like that, Pam?"

"I would have done the same thing in his place, and so would you, Harvey," snapped Ivy. "Unless you really are crazy. Nobody wants to be ruled by a buncha insane control freaks like the Justice Lords. I mean, they make the Justice League look relaxed."

"And what happened to these Justice Lords after they were defeated?" asked Tetch.

"They returned to their own universe," said Ivy. "Which I guess they're still ruling with an iron fist."

"An alternate universe where the Justice League mete out the maximum punishment to the incurably violent and insane," mused Crane, thoughtfully. "That would certainly be a very interesting universe."

An idea suddenly came to Tetch, and he smiled. "Yes, Jonathan," he murmured. "Very interesting indeed."


	2. Chapter 2

"I don't much care for surprises, Tetchy, unless I'm the one setting 'em up," snapped Joker. "I'd like to know where I'm going for my vacation. I need to know if I'm too dressed up for one thing – you think the purple suit works?"

"I'm sure you'll fit in splendidly," said Tetch, adjusting a few dials on the hat.

"Yeah, the purple suit works for most things," agreed Joker. "Never outta style."

"Did Jervis say we're going someplace sunny?" asked Harley Quinn, entering wearing a short, red and black dress and sunglasses. "I really want a tan."

"Uh…he didn't say, pumpkin," said Joker, forcing a smile. "Didn't we already talk about this just being a vacation for Daddy, cupcake?"

"Well, I ain't about to let you go to an alternate reality on your own," said Harley, frowning. "What if there are other women there? There's no way they'd be able to resist you. You need me around to keep them offa ya."

"Yeah…fate worse than death, being mobbed by other women," muttered Joker. "Sure wouldn't be able to handle that myself."

"That's right, you wouldn't," retorted Harley. "You think Batman's nuts, wait until you have to deal with a mob of screaming fangirls. But your Harley is here to protect you from them, puddin'," she purred, kissing his cheek.

He smiled again. "Harley, I think I've forgotten my joy buzzer," he said, feeling in his pockets. "You think you could go back to my cell and look for it for me, pumpkin pie?"

"Sure thing, puddin'!" she said, kissing him and skipping off.

"Do it now!" hissed Joker, turning back to Tetch. "I will not have that clingy little brat ruining my vacation!"

"You expect me to take the brunt of her wrath when she returns to see you already gone?" demanded Tetch.

"It's you or the book," snapped Joker, pointing at the first edition.

Tetch sighed. "Very well. But I'm telling her it was all your doing," he snapped. "Ready?"

"Yeah, hurry up about it before she gets back!" snapped Joker. A second later, there was a flash of light, and Joker opened his eyes…to more flashing lights, which he suddenly realized were laser beams.

"Jesus Christ!" he shouted, leaping out of the way of one of them. "That little freak has sent me to a warzone!"

He paused. "I guess it's partially my fault for not expressing a preference. And I guess a warzone does count as interesting…"

He jumped out of the way of another shot. "I'm still gonna kill him when I get outta here," he muttered, racing toward a nearby building. He was lucky enough not to be caught in the crossfire, but as he peered out of his hiding place, he realized how lucky he was – there was quite a battle going on. The lasers mostly appeared to be coming from the Justice League – Superman, Wonder Woman, Hawkgirl, and Green Lantern were shooting at the people on the ground, who looked severely outgunned. The Justice League were wearing slightly different costumes than what Joker was used to, and as he watched Superman shoot his laser eyes into a civilian on the ground, killing him instantly, he began to suspect that this alternate reality was not exactly a fun place to be.

He was joined suddenly behind the building by a familiar figure who put a radio to his lips. "Fall back, all units, repeat, fall back and return to base! Abort mission, repeat, abort mission! Get yourself away from Arkham now!"

Joker had only just noticed that the fight was taking place in the grounds of Arkham, and that the building he was hiding behind was the asylum itself, although the place looked nothing like it did in his reality. "What's the battle about, Johnny?" he asked.

The man holding the radio was indeed Jonathan Crane, who turned to look at him in shock. "How…how did you get out of the building?" he gasped.

"Ok, this is gonna be really hard to explain, but you're a smart guy and the Hat nerd must have told you what he was building at some point," said Joker. "I'm from an alternate universe, and I was sent here for a vacation."

Crane stared at him. "I was aware damage had been done to you, but I didn't know it warped your mind so much that you talked nonsense," he snapped.

"Nonsense, yes! That's what the Hat guy specializes in, so you know it's true!" said Joker, smiling.

Crane raised the radio to his lips again. "Harley, how's it going?"

"Almost got him to come down!" came a familiar voice. "Hold them off a little longer, Johnny!"

"I'm behind Arkham – you need to come here and see this," said Crane.

"I'm kinda busy right now, Johnny!" snapped Harley's voice. "What is it?"

"You need to see this," he repeated. "You won't believe it if I told you."

Harley gave a little growl of rage. They heard an explosion near them, and suddenly Joker caught sight of Harley being chased by several Superman robots. She flipped out of the way of their lasers, backflipping onto her hands suddenly and launching herself into one, kicking its head off. She ducked as two others shot at her, causing them to shoot each other instead. She used her hammer to smash three more, and then glared up at the real Superman floating above her.

"Is that all ya got, you alien freak?!" she shrieked.

He landed opposite her. "You have one chance to surrender, Quinn," he muttered.

"What, so you can do to me what you did to the others?" she demanded, holding up her hammer. "I'd rather go down fighting."

"Your choice," he said, his eyes heating up. He roared in pain suddenly as Crane stabbed him in the back, ripping the knife out hastily.

"I've got it, Harley, go!" he shouted. Harley turned and ran, leaping out of the way of Superman's laser vision. She skidded to a halt behind the building, where she was joined a second later by Crane, who was carefully wrapping the knife blade and stowing it on his belt.

"All right, now what do I need to see?" she demanded. Crane gestured behind her, and she turned to face the Joker.

She stepped back in shock, and then deep sadness filled her eyes. "Mr…J?" she whispered.

"Hiya, kiddo!" he exclaimed, beaming. "No hard feelings for going on vacation without you, huh?"

The sadness in her eyes suddenly ignited into blind rage, and she punched him hard across the face. "Wow, I guess there are hard feelings…" began Joker.

"How dare you?!" she hissed. "How dare you impersonate puddin', the greatest man who ever lived?! How dare you even think you can live up to his glory?!"

"Impersonate?" he repeated. "What the hell are you talking about? I ain't impersonating anyone! I'm the Joker, the one and only!"

Harley looked ready to hit him again, when a laser bolt suddenly hit the wall above them, raining the debris onto their heads. "C'mon," growled Harley, grabbing Joker's arm as she raced away from the building. "Johnny, quick!"

"Jervis, we've got it, lock onto our signal and take us back down the rabbit hole!" shouted Crane into the radio.

"Understood, hang on," said Jervis Tetch's voice. A second later, Joker once again saw a flash of light, and then found himself landing with a bump in a tunnel on top of Harley. She stared up at him in tenderness for a second, and then her eyes narrowed in hatred again.

"Get offa me!" she growled, pushing him off. She stood up, dusting herself off, as Jervis Tetch approached them.

"You've got it?" he asked, hopefully.

Crane pulled out the knife, handing it to him. Tetch unwrapped it and breathed a sigh of relief. "A small step to victory, and yet a huge step," he murmured.

"Can someone tell me what the hell is going on?" demanded Joker. "Why are the Justice League killing people?"

Crane laughed without humor. "Justice League! Who on earth are they? A league would imply some manner of free will and choice. These are the Justice Lords, and they're as tyrannical as their name suggests. All who stand in their way are punished by death or…a fate worse than death."

Harley teared up, but she wiped her eyes hastily. "Why are you pretending like you don't know who the Justice Lords are?" she demanded. "And why are you impersonating puddin'?"

"I told you, it's no impersonation!" he snapped. "I came here from an alternate universe! I'm the Joker!"

"You're crazy!" hissed Harley.

"Yeah, see?" said Joker. "That proves I'm the Joker! Look, ask the Hat guy if you don't believe me," he said, nodding at Tetch. "You ever created an alternate reality simulator?"

"I…had plans to," agreed Tetch, nodding slowly. "But after…the event, I had bigger problems to worry about."

"You're asking us to believe you're the real Joker in a different reality?" demanded Harley, hands on hips. "Even if that were true, why would you come here?"

"I told Johnny, I'm here on vacation," snapped Joker.

Harley shared a look with Crane. "That's insane," she snapped. "Nobody would come to this horrible universe for a vacation!" Her gaze softened. "I…I guess Mr. J might have, though…that does sound like something he'd do…"

She approached him. "If you're really Mr. J, you'll be able to tell me something only he would know about me. Something…private and…intimate that nobody else would know."

He laughed. "Where do I start?" he asked. "You got a J scar carved over your heart that I gave you. You wanna call our two kids Arleen and J.J. Your favorite toy during sex is the whoopie cushion. Your favorite sex position is…"

"Ok, not that intimate!" interrupted Harley. "I believe you!"

She still glared at him. "Well, welcome to our universe," she murmured. "You can join in the resistance if you wanna. We could use you."

"You know I'm always up for a fight, sweets!" chuckled Joker, looking around. "So who's in charge of this party?"

"I am," retorted Harley, folding her arms across her chest.

"_You're_ leading the resistance?" Joker asked, incredulously. He laughed. "But you couldn't lead a horse to water!"

"Maybe in your universe," she murmured. "But a lot has changed in this one over the past couple years. Including people. We've had to step up to our responsibilities. We've had no choice. In fact, no one's had a choice since it happened."

"Since what happened?" asked Joker.

"Superman killed Lex Luthor," murmured Tetch.

Joker laughed hysterically. "Sucker!" he giggled.

"It's not funny!" snapped Harley. "At least, the repercussions haven't been."

"The Justice Lords decided that the people couldn't live in fear anymore," murmured Crane. "So they began monitoring the whole world from the Watchtower. The smallest sign of trouble and they're there, crushing it. They treated all who opposed them the same as Luthor. Or…worse," he stammered, glancing at Harley again. Tears were running down her cheeks.

"Free will is dangerous, you see," murmured Tetch. "Free will and choice and freedom…they all run the risk of people making the wrong choice. So the Justice Lords took all of that away. Now they control everything, and the people do what they're told. Most of them, anyway."

"So the fear is gone," murmured Crane. "There is peace. And it's hell on earth. You can have peace or you can have freedom. But you can't have both."

Joker whistled. "Wow, glad I don't live here!" he chuckled. "Sounds like the kinda place the Bat would love!"

"Batman has not been seen since it happened," said Tetch. "He doesn't appear to be entirely with the Justice Lords. But nor does he oppose them. He just hides away in his cave."

"Aw, the poor, brooding Batfreak!" sighed Joker. "He just needs me to jolly him outta his mood, as usual! Speaking of which, why ain't I in charge of this party?" he asked, looking around.

Crane and Tetch looked to Harley, who had tears running down her cheeks. "We've…lost so many," she whispered. "Fighting against them. Harvey…Red…puddin'…"

"What?" demanded Joker. "How could those Justice freaks have killed me?! I'm better than all of them!"

"They didn't kill you," murmured Crane. "They did something much worse."

Joker looked expectantly at them. "I'm sorry…you deserve to be shown," whispered Harley, striding off down the tunnel. "Follow me."

They entered a room with huge monitors and screens set up next to a giant computer. "We use these to hack into the Justice Lords communications systems," said Harley. "Jervis built it – he's been an incredible asset to the cause. Most of the technology we use is designed by him."

"And hopefully I will be able to design a weapon capable of stopping the Justice Lords once and for all, now that I have this," said Tetch, holding up the knife. "Superman's DNA. I'm working on synthesizing Kryptonite to react with his blood. Once their leader is gone, the Justice Lords will be easier to deal with. With your permission, Harley, I'll head off to work on it now."

"Of course, Jervis," said Harley, nodding at him. "Johnny, go get some rest," she said to Crane. "You need it. Croc and Bane can keep watch tonight."

They both left her and Joker alone. Harley typed some data into the computer. "We were both captured by them about three months ago," she murmured. "You had been leading the fight against them, and they were mad at you. The moment we were back in Arkham, Superman and Batman came to see you."

Tears came to her eyes again. "I…I saw the whole thing," she whispered. "I was going to be next, but I managed to escape. Too late to save you, and I'll never forgive myself for that. There was nothing I could do to stop them. But I had to watch, I couldn't turn away…"

She shut her eyes. "Batman turned away, though," she whispered. "He knew what Superman was going to do, and he turned away. He gave Superman his permission, and he left you to your fate. I still remember you calling after him, but he ignored you, even though he knew…and you knew…"

She choked on a sob. "Superman…just looked at you. And his eyes reddened, and he…he…"

She trailed off, sobbing, as the Joker looked up at the screen, where he saw himself seated at a desk. This Joker's eyes were hollow and vacant, and two holes scarred his forehead as he hummed tunelessly to himself. He doodled meaningless signs and words on a scrap of paper.

"Joker!" said a voice, and alternate Joker looked up, smiling politely.

"How can I help you, Superman?" he asked, sincerely, in a flat, monotone voice.

"Get people out into the yard to clean up the mess left from the fight," muttered Superman.

"At once, Superman," said Joker, standing up. "Is there anything else I can help you with today?"

"No," snapped Superman, turning away. "But I wish I'd killed that useless girlfriend of yours while I had the chance."

"Girlfriend?" repeated Joker, thoughtfully. "I don't remember her. Who is she?"

"She's a troublemaker," muttered Superman. "And you know what we do with troublemakers."

"You subdue them," agreed Joker. "Violent behavior will not be tolerated. Nor will a bad attitude."

"That's right," said Superman, nodding. "What does that lead to?"

"Chaos," replied Joker. "The worst of all possible things. We must always strive to keep order and peace. Order is freedom. Peace is freedom. The Justice Lords give us freedom. All hail them," he said, bowing to Superman.

Superman grinned. "Batman should have done this to you a long time ago," he said, striding off.

Joker looked from the screen to Harley, who kept on crying. "What the hell…have they done to me?" he whispered.

"Superman lobotomized you," she murmured. "That's what he does to those who oppose them. He turns them into mindless, unthinking slaves. He did the same to Harvey and Ivy. Now you're all in Arkham as docile little robots to them."

She turned off the screen. "I'll never stop fighting them," she whispered. "I'll die fighting them. For puddin'."

Joker stared at her, then nodded in resolution. "Looks like I got here just in time," he said. "What you guys need is a hero."

"You ain't a hero, puddin'," she whispered.

"No," he said, shaking his head. "But Batman is."


	3. Chapter 3

Harley stared at him. "Batman?" she repeated. "But he's one of them."

"You said he ain't with them, not completely," said Joker. "I know Bats. He's nuts, but he ain't nuts enough to live in a place like this without feeling uncomfortable about it. That's the reason he's brooding away in his Batcave. He knows this ain't right, but he doesn't know how to stop it, or if he even wants to. There's only one guy who can talk a little crazy back into him, and he's right here," he said, pointing to himself.

"He didn't listen to you before," murmured Harley. "What makes you think, even if we can find him, that he won't just turn you over to Superman again?"

"Because I know him," repeated Joker. "He barely had the courage to hand me over to that freak before. He ain't got the guts to face doing that again. That's why he wears a mask, y'know – because he's afraid of facing things," he chuckled.

Harley managed a smile. "I've missed your jokes, puddin'," she murmured. "Among…other things."

She stared down at the ground. Joker tilted her chin up. "Hey," he said, gazing into her tear-filled eyes. "You know I'd always want my Harley to be strong for me, right, kid?"

She nodded. "And who's to say this lobotomy stuff can't be reversed?" said Joker. "Hell, if Tetchy can invent a teleporter and Kryptonite, he can probably invent something to give me back my mind safe and sound. Well, as safe and sound as my mind ever was, anyway," he added, grinning.

"Do you really think so, puddin'?" she asked, hopefully.

He shrugged. "Anything's possible. But first we gotta defeat those Justice Creeps, and to do that, we need Batsy's help. So we gotta find out where he's hiding himself away."

"How are we gonna do that?" she asked.

He thought for a moment. "That battle today…that was a diversion you set up just to draw out Superman, wasn't it?"

She nodded. "I wanted it to look like we were attacking Arkham, so Superman would suspect I was just trying to bust you out. Not that it would do any good since you don't even know who I am…" she said, trailing off sadly.

"Maybe we can try the same tactic with Batsy," said Joker. "Draw him out, and then follow him back to his little Batcave."

"But what kinda thing would draw Batman out?" asked Harley, puzzled. "He's never taken an interest in any of the battles or riots…"

"What always draws Batsy out?" interrupted Joker. "Me."

He turned away. "We got any Joker toxin around here?" he asked. "I think it's time I gave the brooding Batfreak something to smile about."

…

Batman entered the morgue, where the rest of the Justice Lords stood in a circle around a body covered in a sheet. "All right, what was so urgent that I needed to be here?" he muttered.

Superman said nothing, but pulled the sheet off the body to reveal a horrible death grin on its face. Batman's face remained expressionless, but his jaw tightened a little in anxiety.

"It's Joker toxin," said Superman.

"I can see that," snapped Batman. "Harley must have figured out how to make it."

"She's never used it before," retorted Superman. "Why would she wait this long when she could have inflicted mass destruction with this gas ages ago?"

"She's crazy, that's why," snapped Batman. "Who knows how her mind works?"

"We were hoping you did," said Wonder Woman. "She was your problem for years, remember."

"I remember just fine, thank you, Diana," retorted Batman. "I remember exactly what the world was like before we took control. Chaos, insanity, madness, and death. Thank God we live in a better world now."

Superman studied him closely. "You know, Bruce, I'm starting to wonder if you really believe that," he murmured.

"What are you talking about?" demanded Batman.

"Well, you were in charge of monitoring the Justice League after we lured them here, but then they somehow managed to escape and stopped us from bringing order to their universe," said Superman, quietly. "How did they manage that?"

"I told you, Flash tricked me," growled Batman. "He knocked me unconscious and locked me up. When I came to, they were all gone."

"How could they work the portal without your help?" asked Martian Manhunter.

Batman shrugged. "They had a Batman. Whatever I can do, he can do. Now if you'll excuse me…" he began, turning to go.

"Bruce, we need to talk about this," said Wonder Woman, gesturing to the body.

"Why?" demanded Batman, whirling around again. "So Quinn's trying some new scare tactic. So what? She doesn't stand a chance against you."

Superman pulled a device out of his pocket, which projected a holographic image. "This is footage from the recent battle at Arkham," he said. "Look just behind the building here," he said, pausing it.

Batman looked, and his jaw tightened further. "So?" he demanded. "Joker escaped. So what? He's hardly dangerous anymore, and he's back in Arkham now."

"He was in Arkham the whole battle," murmured Superman. "That Joker there is not the one I lobotomized."

He turned off the projector. "He's back, Bruce. The Joker is back."

Batman shook his head slowly. "No, that's impossible," he murmured. "You…you subdued him, Superman, for the greater good…"

"If there were alternate versions of us out there, there are alternate versions of them," interrupted Superman. "Who's to say Tetch didn't find a way to summon this Joker from the alternate dimension to help fight against us?"

"Why does that worry you, even if it's true?" asked Batman. "You took care of the Joker once. I'm sure you can do it again."

"Not without your help," said Superman. "You know the way he thinks, Bruce. You led us right to him last time. We need you to help us out again. For the greater good."

Batman said nothing. "I'll think about it," he muttered at last, turning away.

"Bruce!" called Superman, grabbing his shoulder. "You're either with us or against us," he murmured, studying him seriously. "This is a war, a war of order versus chaos. And I'd consider very carefully whose side you're on."

"Don't you dare threaten me," growled Batman, shoving his hand off. "There is no one who has supported our actions more than I have from the very beginning!"

"No," agreed Superman. "But I'm starting to worry about that human part of you, Bruce. I think it might be making you too soft, too quick to sympathize with our enemies. The primary trait of humanity has always been weakness. It takes strength to rule, to do what must be done. It takes strength to be free. And I'm starting to wonder if you're strong enough to see this through to the end."

"And what will that end be exactly, Clark?" demanded Batman. "Humanity worshipping you all like a bunch of gods? Cowering in fear of your wrath?"

"That's not what we want!" snapped Superman. "We only want to maintain order!"

"So do I," retorted Batman. "But there's a fine line between order and tyranny. Sometimes I wonder if you can even see it anymore."

Superman and Batman glared at each for a few more seconds before Batman turned and left them without another word. He stormed back to the Batmobile, driving back to the Batcave in a huff. As he climbed out, he suddenly heard a familiar voice.

"Miss me, buddy?" it chuckled.

Batman turned slowly to see the Joker and Harley Quinn climbing up from the backseat, beaming at him.


	4. Chapter 4

Batman's face betrayed no emotion whatsoever, but his hands gripped themselves into fists.

"They were right," he murmured. "You're back."

Joker giggled. "I never truly left, Batsy, if I know you!" he chuckled. "I've been in here, haven't I?" he asked, rapping on Batman's helmet. "Inside your little Bat-skull? Oh, you've been drowning in guilt for what you did to me! I'm like your little Jiminy Cricket, your little conscience inside your head, whispering to you, making you feel bad for not doing the right thing. Ain't that a funny joke, Batsy? That after all this time, I'm the good guy!"

"I didn't do anything to you!" snapped Batman. "And I don't feel guilty about what happened to you. It had to be done. You were all too dangerous to continue on…"

"So you broke your little rule, didn't you?" chuckled Joker. "You killed me."

"I didn't kill anyone!" snapped Batman. "I have never taken a life!"

"That's not strictly true, though, is it?" giggled Joker. "You took my life."

"You took my life," agreed Harley, tears in her eyes. "You took my life with Mr. J. You took Red's life, and Harvey's life..."

"They're still alive," snapped Batman. "They're just not homicidal maniacs anymore!"

"That's who they were, Bats!" retorted Harley. "That was their lives! Maybe they weren't good ones, but it was all they had! It was all we had! And you destroyed it!"

"My job is to defend innocent people!" snapped Batman. "Not worry about ruining the lives of criminal lunatics!"

"Aren't we human too?!" demanded Harley. "Don't we deserve your protection?!"

"We are protecting you," growled Batman. "We're protecting you from yourselves."

"And who's protecting you Justice Creeps from yourselves?" giggled Joker. "Or do the super aliens not need protection? Just weak little humanity, is that it?"

"Don't try to put words in my mouth," retorted Batman.

"I'm not. This is a conversation you've had with yourself a lotta times, ain't it, Batsy?" giggled Joker. "Maybe it's a conversation you've had with me a lotta times too – do you see me here sometimes? The ghost of that guy you allowed Superman to murder…"

"I didn't allow anyone to be murdered!" shouted Batman. "Don't pretend you know anything about me! You don't! You don't know who I am, or why I do what I do…"

"No, I dunno the details, but they don't matter!" snapped Joker. "You had a bad day once, right? So did I! And I don't remember the details of it – the past ain't important. It's only who you are now that's important. Are you a hero now or not? Because a hero wouldn't stand aside and let crap like this continue! He wouldn't live in a tyrannical world like this without fighting against it!"

"The Justice Lords just want what's best for humanity," muttered Batman. "No more pain and suffering. No more crimes, no more victims…"

"Add no more free will to that list," retorted Harley. "No more choice. No more happiness. When's the last time you saw somebody smile in this paradise of yours, Batsy? Or are you just glad that the rest of the world is as miserable as you at last?"

Batman glared at her and then turned away. "You two need to leave here," he snapped. "If you do that right now, I won't turn you over to Superman."

"Why not? Don't have the balls to do it again?" demanded Harley. "Don't have the guts to hear Mr. J's voice calling after you, and then cut off by his screaming as Superman blasted his brain? He trusted you, and you turned away from him! I hope his cries ring in your ears every night the same way they ring in mine!"

"Sometimes pain is necessary for a better world," muttered Batman. "Sometimes sacrifices are necessary…"

"That's not the Bat I know," interrupted Joker. "He'd never say the sacrifice of a human life was necessary to anything."

Batman said nothing. "This ain't you, Bats," murmured Joker. "I know you. However much of an order Nazi you are, you believe in free will. Otherwise what are you fighting for? Death for everyone who opposes you? Or just living death as a lobotomized zombie?"

Batman turned to look at him. "Your…death was for the greater good," he murmured.

"Yeah, maybe a lotta deaths have been," agreed Joker, nodding. "You're right - I dunno what exactly happened to you on your bad day, Bats, but I know it must have been something really big to make you into this. Someone really close to you must have died or something. You know how that feels, to lose someone you love. I always kinda thought that's why you didn't kill – because you knew how it felt, and you wouldn't wish that kinda pain on your worst enemy. And now you've inflicted that same pain on Harley. Might be for the greater good, but I guess so was the creation of Batman. Was it worth the pain you went through, though? Is anything?"

Batman just studied him. "What chance do you think any of us have against them?" he murmured. "Even if I wanted to help you, there's nothing we can do. They're too powerful."

"Now that's definitely not the Bats I know!" chuckled Joker. "He'd never admit anyone's more powerful than him, especially not a buncha alien freaks! And however powerful they might be, we got a secret weapon they can't predict."

"Which is?" asked Batman.

Joker tapped his forehead. "Insanity, Batsy," he said, grinning. "Good old-fashioned human insanity. Never met an alien alive who could compete with my madness, or defeat it. We got a lotta lunatics on our side. Well, you gotta be crazy to try to fight superheroes!" he chuckled. He held out his hand to Batman. "But there's always room for one more nutjob."

Batman was silent as the minutes ticked by. "Take off the joy buzzer," he muttered at last, nodding to Joker's outstretched palm. "And you got yourself a deal."


	5. Chapter 5

"Harley, there you are, we were worried when you didn't answer your…" began Jonathan Crane, but his jaw dropped as Harley entered the room followed by Joker and Batman. Crane instantly raised his gun, pointing it at Batman's head.

"Easy, Johnny, he's on our side," said Joker, knocking it out of his hand before Batman could do that himself. "You need to chillax – you'll live longer."

"Not here, I won't," he growled. "My ability not to…chillax is one of the reasons why I'm not lobotomized and you are! What on earth is going on? Why is he here?" he snapped, throwing a finger at Batman.

"He's here to help, Johnny," retorted Harley.

"You trust him to do that?" demanded Crane. "More likely he's come to spy for them! To lead them right to us!"

"I'm not a spy," retorted Batman, coldly.

"Yeah, geez, Craney, if you can't trust a guy in a mask, who can you trust?" chuckled Joker.

"You trusted him not to turn you over to Superman last time, and look how that turned out," snapped Crane.

"Johnny, stop it," commanded Harley. "I'm convinced Batman's ok."

"Only because _he's_ told you so!" retorted Crane, glaring at Joker. "He's no longer in charge here! He almost got you both lobotomized before, Harley! I don't want to see that happen again!"

"It won't happen again!" snapped Harley. "But we're only going to be able to win this war with Batman's help! He knows the Justice Lords. He knows their security and their systems. He also knows how we can bypass that stuff without them noticing. He knows their plans and their weaknesses, and he can keep us informed about those so we can take the Justice Lords down once and for all."

"I thought he didn't approve of killing," retorted Crane.

"We're not killing anyone," snapped Batman. "But we're going to get rid of the Justice Lords. A better world doesn't need superheroes. It just needs a little more understanding."

"All right, cut the hippie crap," said Joker. "We need a concrete plan."

"Perhaps this will help you form one," said Jervis Tetch, entering the room holding a glowing, green crystal. "I have managed to synthesize a form of Kryptonite which has reacted favorably with the sample of Superman's blood we've obtained. Or unfavorably, from his perspective."

Batman took it from him. "You know what this stuff does to Superman?" he asked, quietly.

"Yeah, it'll kill him," said Joker, nodding. "About the only thing that can do that."

"It also puts him outta action," retorted Batman. "Makes him weak, neutralizes his powers. If it gets close enough to him."

"The only person who could get close enough to him would have to be someone he trusts," said Harley, pointedly, looking at Batman. "But he'd have to do it someplace where we could be ready and waiting to trap the rest of them. An enclosed space, where they can't easily run away."

"Arkham," said Joker. "The Justice Losers must visit there occasionally, huh?"

"Yeah," agreed Batman. "I could probably invent a reason why Superman would need to go check out a situation there."

"Or we could give you a reason," said Harley. "You could use me as bait."

"No!" said both Crane and Joker at once. "We…can't risk losing our leader in this crucial operation!" stammered Crane.

"And what if the Kryptonite doesn't work?" demanded Joker. "I don't trust Tetchy's skills that much!"

"You should – according to you, I'm the reason you're here," snapped Tetch.

"I trust my friends, Mr. J," said Harley. "And I trust you. If something happens to me, you can lead the resistance again. Besides, there ain't much left for me here once you go back to your own reality," she murmured, smiling at him. "If things go wrong and I get…lobotomized…well, at least me and my Mr. J will be together."

"Harley, no, this is nonsense!" snapped Crane. "I will not allow you to put your life on the line by trusting Batman, the Mad Hatter, and the Joker!"

"Well, that's gratitude, I must say," sniffed Tetch.

"Yeah, why shouldn't she trust me?" demanded Joker.

"Because you nearly got her killed last time!" shouted Crane. "Don't you remember, Harley?! That little operation he planned to try to trap Superman, which ended in you both getting captured?! You remember what he told you?! 'Batman will save us.' And did he?!" demanded Crane, rounding on him. "No! No, you let the Joker die, and you would have let Harley die if she hadn't escaped. She may be mad enough to trust you both again, but I'm not!"

"We don't have a choice, Johnny!" snapped Joker.

"He's right, though," murmured Batman. "It would be stupid to trust people who failed you before."

Harley smiled. "Story of my life, Bats," she murmured. "Stupid, maybe. But it was something we all used to do before the world went bad. You used to trust us to stay in Arkham, but secretly I think you'd always trust us to bust out. We used to trust you to come walking into our traps and putting up a good fight. And we used to trust that you'd win eventually. I used to trust Mr. J blindly, even after he'd hurt me again and again. People called me a lotta names – gullible, naïve, dumb. Maybe I still am, for believing things can ever go back to the way they were, and for trusting you both again. But that's…the better world I wanna live in again," she said, taking Joker's hand. "Where you have faith in people. Even if those people ain't perfect."

Batman held out his hand to Crane. "I'm sorry for what I've allowed to happen to my city," he said, quietly. "To my home. I wanted to protect it, but I've only made everything worse. I never wanted to see anybody hurt. But there just didn't seem like another way. I stayed in the shadows too long because I didn't want to see what my actions had led to. I allowed myself to become blind."

"As a bat!" chuckled Joker.

"You're ruining the poignant mood, Mr. J," whispered Harley, squeezing his hand.

"Sorry, kiddo, can't resist it when a joke like that comes your way!" he giggled.

"I don't deserve your trust," continued Batman. "But I'm asking for it all the same. Stupid, as Harley said. But I want to live in a world where people can be stupid from time to time. Where humans can make mistakes, and grow, and learn. Where sorrow and joy can exist, along with pain and happiness, and good and evil. Can't have one without the other, I see that now. And I see how thin the line between the two can sometimes be. I want to be on the right side again. Will you allow me to be?"

Crane nodded slowly. "I still don't want Harley to be the bait," he growled.

"Then let me do it," said Joker, stepping forward.

"No, Mr. J…" began Harley.

"I'm the one they want," he interrupted. "Batman's supposed to be looking for me. Well, let him find me. Let Superfreak come to lobotomize me. I trust Harley to save me, if not any of you other jerks!" he chuckled. "Anyway, if you're gonna trap the Justice Freaks in Arkham, you gotta infiltrate it quietly first. And Harley's better at that stealth stuff than me. I'm not the sneaking around type."

"So the plan is sneak into Arkham, wait for Batman to bring Joker in so Superman joins him, neutralize Superman, and lock up the rest of the Justice Lords when they come to save him?" asked Crane.

"Sounds like fun, huh?" asked Joker.

"Sounds like nonsense," retorted Tetch. "I'm in."

Crane looked from him to Harley. "This is really the best plan we've got?"

"Unless you can think of a better one, genius," said Joker.

Crane sighed heavily. "All right, fine," he snapped.

"Batman, I need a list of the Justice Lords' weaknesses," said Tetch. "So I can start designing appropriate weapons."

"I'll come with you," said Batman, heading off to the lab with him. "I'm pretty good with technology myself."

"I'm gonna review the security footage of Arkham to make sure I know the locations of all possible cameras," said Harley, heading off to the communications room and leaving Crane with Joker.

"I certainly hope you know what you're doing," Crane snapped.

"Hey, don't be angry with me just because you still ain't got a chance with Harley, even after I've been lobotomized!" chuckled Joker. "She's a one man loon!"

Crane glared at him and stormed off. "If you're wrong about Batman, on your head be it!" he called back.

"No, Johnny, _in _my head be it!" giggled Joker. "Get it? Cause of Supey's laser eyes and…aw, never mind," he muttered. "Hate explaining jokes anyway." His thoughts drifted to the impending defeat of the Justice Lords, which was a cinch with Batman on their side, and he cackled madly to himself. "I gotta hand it to the Hat guy, so far it's been a great vacation!"


	6. Chapter 6

"How are the handcuffs?" asked Batman, as he adjusted them over Joker's wrists.

"Oooh, you've never asked me that before!" giggled Joker. "It's ok, Batsy, I like 'em tight!"

"Can you please not joke about this?" demanded Batman. "It's a serious operation."

"What's the point of life without a few laughs?" asked Joker, shrugging.

Batman sighed, looking up at the gates of Arkham. "You think the others got in ok?" he asked.

"No news is good news," said Joker. "If your Super Buddies haven't descended on the building or set off a few alarms, I guess it worked."

Batman nodded. "Let's go," he said, leading Joker across the grounds.

"Please keep off the grass," said a familiar voice, in a flat, dazed tone. They turned to see Poison Ivy standing on the lawn looking at them, a vacant expression in her eyes and two small holes in her forehead.

"Uh…sorry," said Batman, leading Joker back onto the path.

"That's ok, Batman," she murmured. "Everything you do is ok."

"Bet you're happy to see me back in here, huh, sweetheart?" giggled Joker.

She studied him curiously. "Happy," she repeated, flatly. "I don't know what that means."

Joker stared at her, and then reached out and picked a flower off a nearby rose bush. She didn't even flinch – just gazed blankly back at him. "Does this…bother you?" he asked.

"Nothing bothers me anymore," she replied, calmly. "But the sign says don't pick the flowers. Superman makes rules, and we should obey them. Why are you not obeying the rules?"

Joker shuddered. "C'mon, Batsy, let's get outta here," he muttered. "She's creeping me out."

They entered the doors of the asylum and headed down the corridor. Joker soon saw another familiar figure mopping the floor. "I'm sorry to be in your way, Batman," Two-Face said, looking up at them and stepping out of their path. He had the same vacant eyes, and the same flat monotone voice.

"That's ok, Harvey," whispered Batman. "I'm just delivering this prisoner."

Two-Face looked at Joker without recognition. "He shouldn't have broken the rules," he murmured. "People who don't follow the rules deserve to be punished. Isn't that right, Batman?"

"That's right, Harvey," whispered Batman. "That's right."

He pulled Joker away, to the reception area. "I'm just dropping off a prisoner," he said, loudly.

The man behind the desk looked up, and Joker came face to face with himself, only a terrifyingly hollow version of himself. The lobotomized Joker's vacant eyes flickered suddenly, and his smile fell as he studied himself. "Why…certainly, Batman," he stammered. "Who…is he, if you don't mind my asking?"

"It's complicated, Joker…" began Batman.

"I'm you," said Joker. "The way you used to be, before they took it all away from you. The smiles, the jokes, the laughter, you gotta remember that, buddy. Somewhere in there…you gotta remember that."

Lobotomized Joker just stared at him blankly. "Cell 8C is free for the patient," he said at last.

"Thanks," retorted Batman, taking Joker's arm again.

"Oh, and Superman would like you to leave your belt here," said lobotomized Joker.

Batman stared at him. "What?" he demanded.

"Superman's orders," said lobotomized Joker. "He doesn't want anyone armed in Arkham, not even the Justice Lords."

Batman glared at him. "Why don't you get Superman on the phone and tell him that if he wants to give me orders, he'd better come down here and enforce them himself?" he muttered.

"Superman also said that if you didn't obey the order, I was to call the robots," continued lobotomized Joker, still smiling blithely with his finger held over a button. "He said it's your choice."

Batman slowly undid his utility belt, handing it to lobotomized Joker. "Thank you, Batman," he said. "I'll keep it safe for you. Cell 8C," he repeated, nodding down the corridor.

Batman began to lead Joker away, but Joker suddenly grabbed lobotomized Joker's arm.

"Why did the clown go to the doctor's?" he asked.

Lobotomized Joker looked curiously at him. "What sort of question is this?" he asked.

"It's a joke," replied Joker. "You used to know a million of 'em. You used to laugh at them."

"I…I don't know what…laugh is," stammered Lobotomized Joker, looking confused.

Joker laughed hysterically suddenly, causing the lobotomized inmates to look up in concern at him. "The clown went to the doctor's because he was feeling funny," finished Joker. "Get it?"

Lobotomized Joker just stared at him until Batman led him away. "Feeling funny," murmured lobotomized Joker to himself. "Funny." He shook his head. "What a strange man. I do hope Superman can help him."

Batman led Joker into the cell. "What the hell are we gonna do now?!" demanded Joker, rounding on him when the door was closed. "The Kryptonite was in the belt!"

"Maybe if you distract Superman, I can make a break for it and get to my belt," retorted Batman.

"Distract him how?" demanded Joker. "By letting him melt my brain?!"

"I'm thinking of a better plan as fast as I can!" snapped Batman.

Joker glared at him. "I can't believe you'd let him do that to me anyway," he snapped. "That's worse than death, Batsy."

"There's nothing worse than death," retorted Batman.

"Yeah? Try talking with a zombified version of yourself sometime," snapped Joker.

"I'm trying my best to make it right now," snapped Batman.

"I just don't understand how you could let him do it," muttered Joker. "Don't you share the dream of going down fighting, the two of us dying by the other's hand? Me being your first kill, and you being my last? One final joke, one ultimate punchline?"

"Is that really…your dream?" asked Batman, slowly.

"One of them," agreed Joker, nodding. "I also dream of a world where every child can own firearms. And where every home has a Joker fish in every pot."

"Serves me right for thinking you were being serious for a moment," muttered Batman, rolling his eyes.

"Just don't let Supey do it to me again, ok?" snapped Joker. "The world's already lost one Joker too many."

The cell door opened at that moment. "Right in here, Superman," said lobotomized Joker, gesturing inside.

Superman entered a moment later. "Well, well, well, Joker," he said, folding his arms across his chest and smiling. "You've proved easier to capture the second time around. You've seen what's going to happen to you, I trust?" he said, gesturing to lobotomized Joker.

"Over my dead body, Supey," retorted Joker.

"I don't think Batman's going to allow that," said Superman. "He still doesn't entirely approve of killing, do you, Batman?"

Batman shook his head, glancing at the open door. "But you know what, Joker, I think I'll save you for last," continued Superman. "I've already got quite a waiting list for the lobotomies, and since I don't want to play favorites, I think I'll try someone new this time," he said, snapping his fingers.

The guards dragged a struggling Harley into the room, followed by a similarly restrained Crane and Tetch. "We caught them trying to sneak into the asylum," continued Superman. "Crawling to their doom like rats in a trap. I can only assume it was some misguided attempt by your girlfriend to rescue you, thinking she could save you somehow. But you can't, can you, Harley?" he said, gesturing to lobotomized Joker, who studied her blankly. "Look at him. He doesn't know who you are."

"He does," retorted Harley, coldly. "Somewhere in there…he can't have forgotten our love…"

She gazed pleadingly at lobotomized Joker, but there was no hint of recognition in her eyes. "Superman, who is this?" he asked at last.

"This is that girlfriend of yours I was talking about," said Superman. "Remember, Joker?"

He shook his head slowly. "No," he said. "No, I don't remember her."

"Puddin', please," whispered Harley, tears in her eyes. "You gotta remember me, you just gotta…"

"Oh, don't cry, Harley," said Superman, grabbing her arm and turning her to face him. "You'll be together again in a second." And his eyes began to redden.


	7. Chapter 7

And then lobotomized Joker started laughing. "The clown went to the doctor's because he felt funny!" he giggled hysterically. "Funny! I get it!"

Everyone stared at him in confusion as he doubled over laughing. "All right – it ain't_ that_ funny," muttered Joker, watching his lobotomized self rolling on the ground laughing.

"Cause…cause he's a clown, so he's funny, and he felt…funny!" giggled lobotomized Joker, gasping for breath. "Why aren't you all laughing? Don't you get it?"

"What the hell's the matter with you, Joker?" demanded Superman, angrily.

"What's the matter with you? Don't you get the joke?" laughed lobotomized Joker.

"Stop laughing!" roared Superman, releasing Harley to grab him. He shook him violently. "You will be collected and orderly, remember?!"

"Yes, Superman," he said, calming. "But you know what?"

"What?" demanded Superman.

Lobotomized Joker beckoned him closer. "Being collected and orderly is no fun," he whispered in his ear. "Psych!" he shouted, throwing Batman's utility belt around Superman's neck suddenly. Superman choked as he felt the Kryptonite emanating from the belt, falling to his knees and gasping.

"Batman, get it off me," he whispered.

Batman just stared back at him. "No," he said. "Not this time, Superman."

Superman stared at him. "You're…you're siding with…them?!" he gasped. "Criminals and lunatics?!"

"We're not so different anymore, Superman," retorted Batman. "We used to be, but we're not now. Power-crazed tyrants in stupid costumes – we're actually a lot worse. We know why we did this. Not to protect anyone. That's what we told ourselves, but it wasn't true. The truth, if we dared admit it, was that we liked being in charge. We formed the Justice Lords because we thought we knew what was best for the world. We thought we could change it to suit our designs. But tell me, isn't that exactly what the Joker wants?"

"Yeah, but at least my world would have a lot more smiles," retorted Joker.

"Batman…you won't be able to defeat all of us…" hissed Superman, flinching in pain. "The others will…avenge me…"

"I'm not going to kill you," retorted Batman, grabbing a pair of handcuffs and fastening them around his wrists. "I'm going to do what I do to all criminals and lunatics. I'm going to lock you up."

He removed the Kryptonite from his belt, and gestured for everyone to leave the cell. Then he slammed the door, locking and placing the Kryptonite above it, so that it emanated into the cell, depriving Superman of his powers without hurting him too much.

"Thanks, buddy," said Joker to his lobotomized self. "But you should probably clear out if you don't wanna get hurt. The rest of the Justice Losers will be here any moment, and there's gonna be quite a battle."

"I know which side I wanna be on then!" laughed lobotomized Joker. "The fun side!"

"Puddin'? Do you remember me?" asked Harley, approaching him tentatively.

He took her hand, studying her. "I remember telling you not to call me that," he said at last, smiling. "Harley."

She beamed, leaning forward to kiss him, but was interrupted by a hole being blown in the ceiling as the remaining Justice Lords – Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Hawkgirl, and Martian Manhunter, descended into Arkham.

"Batman, how could you?" asked Wonder Woman.

"How could I do the right thing?" he demanded. "Very easily. Look inside your conscience, Diana, and you might too."

"I warned Superman that your mind was too unstable for this work," murmured Martian Manhunter. "If you are not with us in this, Batman, you are against us."

"Then I'm against you," retorted Batman.

Martian Manhunter nodded. "So be it," he said.

Batman threw a punch at him, while the others rushed to engage with the other members. Harley took Wonder Woman, while Joker took Green Lantern, leaving Tetch and Crane with Hawkgirl. Which was a bit problematic for both of them, firstly since their physical abilities left a lot to be desired, and secondly because they were both restrained by their own personal codes of chivalry.

"What the hell are you nerds doing?" shouted Joker, as he saw them cowering behind a table while Hawkgirl swooped down, nearly hitting them with her mace.

"I'm sorry, it's just…not right to hit a woman!" stammered Tetch. "Not at all gentlemanly!"

"Oh, for Christ's sake!" shouted Joker, leaping out of the way of Green Lantern's laser ring. "I think when a woman is attacking you with a big honking mace, all bets are off!"

"He's right," agreed Crane. "It's self-defense."

Tetch sighed. "I'm going to feel awful about this," he muttered, reaching into his jacket. He pulled out a modified taser and shot several hundred volts into Hawkgirl, who screamed and fell to the ground, unconscious and smoking.

"I'm so terribly sorry," he said sincerely, sheathing the weapon.

"Shayera!" cried Green Lantern, flying toward her. He cradled her in his arms, and then cried out in pain as Joker struck him across the back of the head with a crowbar.

"I knew there was something going on between you two!" giggled Joker, smiling at him and pointing to Hawkgirl. "Which is sweet, in a way – you can have massive blunt force trauma together!" he cried, hitting him again in the face. Green Lantern fell to the ground, and Joker continued beating him until he was still.

"Let nobody say I'm not a romantic," he sighed, twirling the bloody crowbar. "And speaking of which, where is that Harley?"

He turned to see her in a fight with Wonder Woman, leaping out of the way of her punches. "Oooh, I do love a little girl on girl!" he giggled, hurrying over to join in the fight. He was distracted by Batman falling to the ground suddenly, which instantly changed his plans.

"You are foolish," hissed Martian Manhunter. "To side with a bunch of lunatics."

"I have a habit of doing that," growled Batman, glaring up at him.

Martian Manhunter raised his fist, when he suddenly shrank back, holding his face over his hands. "No!" he hissed. "No, not that!"

Batman looked to see Joker holding a cigarette lighter in front of him, and putting it to the cigar in his mouth. "I know what you're gonna say, Bats!" he giggled, as Martian Manhunter backed away from the flame. "Thank you for smoking! Well, I aim to please!" he giggled, lighting another cigar and throwing it at Martian Manhunter. It exploded, sending him crashing to the ground.

"Thanks," muttered Batman, standing up and looking around.

The fight with Wonder Woman had escalated, but she had already tied up Crane and Tetch with her lasso, and it was clear Harley was weakening against her blows. Harley fell suddenly, and Wonder Woman was on top of her, grabbing her by the hair and forcing her face up. "If Superman can't do this, I will," she hissed, as the jewel in her tiara began to glow.

"Diana, don't!" cried Batman, racing forward. But he was too late.

A laser shot out of Wonder Woman's tiara, heading straight for Harley's forehead…but it was stopped by lobotomized Joker throwing himself in front of her, and letting the laser hit his own forehead.

"Mr. J!" shrieked Harley, as he fell down, unconscious. Batman reached Wonder Woman, grabbing her arms and binding her gauntlets together, rendering her abilities useless. She glared up at him.

"We did what needed to be done," she muttered. "That was all."

"Not anymore," retorted Batman. "The security in Arkham is a lot better than it was, thanks to you. So let me show you to your cell," he said, dragging her off.

"Mr. J!" gasped Harley, cradling lobotomized Joker's body and shaking it gently. "Mr. J, c'mon, puddin'! Please…please don't leave me!"

He didn't respond. "No!" she whispered, beginning to cry. "No, puddin', please! You can't die for me! Not like this…it…it can't be this way! I was supposed to die for you, that was how it was supposed to go! So I'd never have to miss you! You'd never be that noble, sacrificing yourself for me...it wouldn't be a funny joke or anything...you'd have no reason to...puddin', please!" she sobbed, burying herself in his chest. "Please come back! Oh, puddin'!"

She sobbed uncontrollably, and Joker was trying to think of a joke that might cheer her up, when lobotomized Joker's eyes suddenly opened. "Thought I told you not to call me that, you dumb blonde," he muttered.

"Puddin'?" gasped Harley, hopefully, raising her head. "You're alive?"

"Yeah, the laser hit me in the brain," he said, rubbing his forehead and the two holes there. "So it didn't do any damage. Can't break what's already broke!" he said, smiling at her.

"Oh, puddin'!" she cried, throwing herself into his arms and kissing him passionately.

Tetch came over to them, holding a scanner to Joker's head. "He's right," he said. "The laser hit the part of his brain that's already damaged. Though actually because of the nature of the lobotomy, it's possible that the damaged bit might be able to be reconstructed," he said, thoughtfully. "A traditional lobotomy removes pieces of the brain, making the damage irreversible. But Superman's laser vision has merely melted it, rearranging the pieces in a different pattern, hence why Joker was able to remember certain things."

"You mean you might be able to…fix him?" stammered Harley. "And Red and Harvey and everyone?"

"It's possible," agreed Tetch, nodding. "In fact, I think it very possible indeed."

Harley cried out in joy, embracing lobotomized Joker again. "Yes, fantastic news," muttered Crane, folding his arms across his chest and scowling.

Batman returned from locking up the rest of the Justice Lords. "Good news, Bats!" exclaimed Joker, smiling at him. "It looks like you're still gonna have me to tango with in this universe after all! Tetchy thinks he can fix me!"

"Oh, that's…great," said Batman, unenthusiastically.

"Aw, don't pretend you ain't excited!" chuckled Joker, clapping him on the back. "You've missed our little games, haven't you? Don't deny it. You get bored without me around, admit it."

Batman didn't admit anything, and his face betrayed no expression. "I'm going to start fixing things," he muttered. "Get the police force and the government working again. I'm gonna need help to protect this city if you're coming back, after all," he muttered, storming off.

"That's just his way of saying thanks, Mr. J," said Harley, smiling at him. "I know I can never thank you enough," she said, standing up and taking his hand. "You're my hero in every universe, puddin'. Bringing me and my Mr. J together again, and saving the world from the Justice Lords…"

"All in a day's work, pooh!" chuckled Joker, patting her on the head. "Whenever tyranny and order reign, whenever peace and boredom crush people down, whenever there's unsmiling faces and frowns, the Joker will always be there to put a smile back on those faces and leave 'em laughing…"

There was a flash of light and suddenly he opened his eyes in Tetch's cell in Arkham again. "Hey, what gives?!" he demanded, rounding on him as he removed the alternate reality simulator hat. "I didn't get to finish my big speech!"

"Harley's coming," snapped Tetch. "And I am not dealing with her anger at you abandoning her!"

"Here's your joy buzzer, Mr. J!" said Harley, skipping into the room. Joker realized that only about five minutes must have actually passed in reality, even though he'd been in the alternate universe a long time. "Now where are we going on vacation?"

Joker studied her and smiled. "You know what, pooh? On second thought, I've changed my mind about going on vacation. Why don't we stay at home and have a quiet, relaxing time with just the two of us?"

"Really, Mr. J?" asked Harley, surprised. "But you seemed so excited to get outta here and have an adventure…"

"Aw, pooh bear, the only adventure I need is right here," he said, taking her in his arms.

"Oh, puddin'!" she sighed, kissing him. "I love you!"

"Now come, my dear," he said, leading her out of Tetch's cell. "I've got a great idea for a little game we can play to relax, just the two of us."

"Oh, puddin'!" giggled Harley. "You naughty boy! I can't wait to see…"

She paused when they entered his cell and he held up a box. "Candyland!" he exclaimed. "What color do you wanna be?"

Harley sighed. This wasn't what she had been hoping for, but she looked at the Joker's smiling face and couldn't refuse him anything. "Red," she said, sitting down.

"Ok. You set it up – I'll be right back," he said, leaving his cell again.

Harley obeyed. She suddenly heard a crash, and then Tetch crying, "No, for the love of Carroll! Why couldn't you just leave one unbroken?!"

"Everything ok, puddin'?" she asked as he re-entered the cell, dusting his hands off and wiping away the broken remains of the alternate reality simulator.

"Yep, Harl," he said, kissing the top of her head. "This world's never been better."

**The End**


End file.
